Random Thought.

If you know me or follow my blog, you know that I’ve been dealing with a horrible breakup the past week. As hard I tried to stick to my usual (life, music, or fashion) it’s been pretty much impossible for me to touch a keyboard and not write about something that pertains to relationships. The relationship that I was in was great; there was never a real argument, the intimacy was great, and we had a lot in common. The one thing that I would say effected our relationship was the fact that she wasn’t emotionally honest. I feel like emotional honesty is worse than any type of topical lying.

First off, there’s no real evidence. If someone lies in the literal since, there’s almost always some type of evidence that you can find to confirm or dispute their claim. In the emotional realm, there is no real evidence, only intuition and body language. Now most people, myself included, would just say to always go with your intuition no matter what and you’ll never have anything to worry about. While this is true in most cases, I don’t feel like you truly trust someone unless you give their words priority over your intuition. The part that really got me was the fact that I saw the writing on the wall, and I still believed her words over my internal polygraph.
A relationship is like building a beautiful house with someone. Your emotions are no longer controlled solely by you. They are now at the mercy of someone else and though you may own a $2000 rug, you have to be able to trust that other person will respect you enough to take their muddy shoes off before walking on it. You have to be comfortable with knowing that the things that you own that are fragile could possibly be broken. You talk with this person about all the responsibilities and duties that come with owning this house, you know that you’ll have real bills now, and not paying those bills will leave you without the necessities that are needed to have a comfortable life. Of course, if those bills aren’t paid, you’ll eventually get evicted and you’re credit can potentially be damaged forever.
That being said, I felt like I came home one day and saw moving truck outside. I went inside, asked her if she was planning on moving and I was told no. So against my better judgment, and heaping pile of boxes all over the house, I believed what I was told. Over the next few days, I notice every time I come into the house, there are less things in the house. Even though it was becoming more and more apparent that things were being packed and moved elsewhere, I knew what I was told, and I didn’t want to feel like I was questioning her honesty, so I didn’t ask any questions. It wasn’t until one day I came home and the house was near completely empty, only my things remained. So I asked again, “Are you moving out?” Once again, the answer was no. Even though I was almost positive, I was being lied to, I allowed myself to believe the answer I was given, because that’s what you do when you trust someone. I left for work, and it was at that moment that I got a text saying that she packed the last box, she was moving, and that I was on my own to move all of my things before the house was closed for eviction. Now I’m left with all the emotional furniture to move by myself. No time to pack, no time to plan, just moving what I can little by little. Sure I have friends who help from time to time but it’s not their burden to carry, and I wouldn’t dare ask them to.
This is the type of thing that damages your psychological credit for a long time. Sure, you may buy a new house, you may buy a new car, but it makes it that much harder with the emotional debt that you’ve occurred in the past. I know that I’m not the only person who has had to deal with this, and a lot of people have been in even worse situations, but this makes me not want to rent, or even think about buying a house in the future.