Missing people is weak af.
Season 6 of Mad Men premiered Sunday, and not more than five minutes into the show I was reminded why I love it so much. I feel like I identify with Don Draper possibly more than any other character of any show or movie I've ever seen. Not the whole super successful, vagina falls into my lap around every corner, chain-smoker, alcoholic part; The obsessive honeymoon infatuation turned indifferent for no apparent reason at all/feeling alone even when most people enjoy being around you part. I remember reading the Goosebumps "Choose your own Adventure" books as a kid and I can't help but think of life as the same way. I don't know if we fully realize the weight of the decisions we make in life until after the cement has dried and they become a reflection in our rearview. The drive to always improve, to always do better, to always top my high score has always taken precedent over everything else in the areas of my life where it's least important. I was talking to a friend earlier and she made the statement that "guys can never be happy with one girl". As much as I'd like to argue that, I don't know if I really can. I wouldn't go as far as to say that we can't be happy with one girl, more so that we (or I, I definitely don't mean to speak on the behalf of the entire male population) have always been intrigued by variety. The curiosity for that which is uncharted has and probably will always be something that burns inside me. In all aspects of life, not just relationships. Finding the healthy balance has always been a struggle for me. At what point do I realize that I've gotten to the top of the mountain? Or hell, maybe there is no "top", maybe I should just be content with what I've got? Maybe reaching for the top is what causes you to fall? Maybe there isn't a perfect woman. Maybe I've had perfection in my grasp but my desire for something different didn't allow me to see that? How do you stop yourself from wanting more? From wanting something different?
What is it that makes me feel like I'm always alone? That there are things that no one will ever fully understand about me? Even those closest to me will tell you that there comes a point where there's a disconnect between what I'm willing to share and what I choose to keep to myself. I don't want to be this way, but.. I am. I'm not saddened by this, not even really bothered by it, but I feel like I should be. I'm just indifferent. Indifferent to it all.
I watch Mad Men for the same reason that everyone does; To see what happens to Don Draper. As corny and dumb as this may sound, I realized while watching Sunday night's episode, that I watch Mad Men in hopes to find an answer to my questions.