Woo hoo, You finally gave in and got an Instagram! What do you do now? Take a picture of any and every fucking thing around you, duh. Just kidding. That's what you DON'T do. I know, I know, the urge is so hard to fight, but believe it or not, most people don't find your can of redbull or pictures of your rent money interesting. I know what most of you are thinking, "It's my Instagram account, if you don't like it, don't follow me." And you know what? You're completely right, and more than likely I won't. But if you are interested, here are a list of things that you can NOT do to become that annoying person on Instagram.
1) Post pictures of food/drinks that look like shit.
We all have that person on our instagram that posts pictures of food or a drink that they think is five star cuisine and they have the audacity to label it #foodporn when it should probably be labeled #foodmourn. The next time you decide to take a picture of one of your creations you should ask yourself (if it's food) does this take longer than 10 minutes to make? (if it's a drink) can you get this at your local corner store? If the answer to either one of those questions is yes, 9 times out of 10, you should probably put that picture in your archive labeled "shit no one cares about but me". Second, if your food/drink makes the two question cut, you should make sure that you have good lighting and for God sakes make sure it's actually on real dinnerware. Nothing says #strugglelife more than a decent looking meal on a paper plate. I know you hate washing dishes but goddamn it, have some respect for yourself and the food you're eating! That one plate won't make your life that much harder, I promise. And as much as you may think the world needs to see how much that glorious pearly white cup with the words "Route 44" on it perspires in the morning light, I assure you my friend, .012325 of a shit will be given. Of course there are exceptions to every rule. For instance, if you're eating BBQ or fast food, I don't expect you to transfer your food from the wrapper to your finest china, nor am I telling you to invest in expert lighting for every meal you eat. Use common sense.
2) Post Tweetgrams.
I would like to find the inventor of the tweetgram and kick him/her square in the testicles/ovaries. The tweetgram has to be one of the dumbest inventions in the history of all inventions. A tweetgram is to intagram/twitter what the the voicemail is to the cellphone. Nothing butters my biscuits worse than when someone calls me, only to leave a voicemail saying "hey it's me, call me back." Well no shit Sherlock, did you think I didn't see the missed call notification or that I don't have text messaging? There is little to no use for voicemail in todays day and age. The same can be said for tweetgrams. Let's go through the logic here. You decided to send a link on twitter or facebook (social networking sites) that sends me to instagram (a site for pictures) to tell me something (that 99.9% of the time is useless information) that you could have just told me on facebook or twitter? Wait, what? Exactly. Just don't.
3) Thirst Traps.
For those of you who don't know what the term "thrist" means, it refers to someone who is desperate, usually for attention. As if facebook and twitter weren't enough, instagram has now opened the floodgates for the parched to suck every levy of compliments dry. Not only does the dehydrated individual have a new means to take shirtless/swimsuit pics, they now have over 18 filters to distribute the bait through. I'm not saying you aren't allowed to show girls that your six pack has a six pack or just how many boys your milkshake has the ability to gather, but if every other picture is from photoshoots that you shot starring yourself because you were "bored", I suggest you find a new hobby. It doesn't matter how hot your duck face with the peace sign pose is or how defined your muscles may look through that X-Pro II, Lo-Fi filter combo you strung together, no one really cares.
Shoutouts are the cousins of thirst traps. The only thing more annoying than advertisements is a person on your instagram that's advertising someone else's instagram. Really? "Post a pic of me and tag me with "done." and I'll shout you out on my instagram too! :D" or "thanks for the add, why aren't you following meeee? :((" type messages are a 25 on the 1-10 annoying scale. Do you ever ask someone to compliment you back immediately after telling them that you like their hair or that you like their sweater? Then why would you shamelessly solicit your own or someone else's instagram? Don't do it.
4) Screenshots of shitty music.It's perfectly fine to give your friends a glimpse of your music library from time to time or to show us what's song is currently stuck in your head, but if you upload screenshots of Nickelback, Flo-Rida, and Durrough every other day, you might want to chill on embarrassing yourself and further irritating your followers.
5) Excessive amounts of pictures of newborns.
Congratulations! You or someone very close to you just had a baby, what should you do now? Kiss it? Nah. Hold it? Ew no! Snap a picture of it? Sure. Snap 20 more pictures of it? Don't mind if I do! I know I sound like a heartless asshole, but in most cases, newborns either look like aliens or the create a player face from Madden. While most people snippity snap away to their heart's content, I encourage you to wait a few weeks, till your baby develops features that actually make it cute and look more like a miniature human than Gollum from Lord of the Rings covered in slime. This rule doesn't apply solely to newborns. The same can be said for your dogs, your car, or anything else that you feel is cuter/better than anyone elses. Most people don't care as much as you do.
6) Pictures of your significant other.
Most people who follow you on instagram follow you because they like you (as a friend, or they find you attractive) or they find the shit that you post interesting (be it funny or pathetic). An occasional picture of your significant other is completely acceptable. Who doesn't like showing off the person that's captured their heart? What isn't acceptable is treating instagram like your kissing booth or instagramming a pic of your bf/gf that could have easily been texted to them. I mean, do you not find it odd that you are kissing your boyfriend in your bathroom mirror and posting it on the internet so that everyone can see how "real" your love is for each other? No? Okay, maybe something is wrong with me. You're right, that's completely normal.
8) Screenshots of conversations that aren't funny.
So, you and your bf just had a gr8 convo that made you lol so much!!! What do you do now? Upload that bitch to instagram of course! No. That's what you don't do. The great thing about conversations with your bestfriend is that most of the time it involves lots of inside jokes and inside vocabulary/references that make absolutely no sense to anyone but the people involved. If that's the case, then why would you feel the need to share that with people who a) have no idea what the fuck you're talking about or b) don't really give a shit even if they do know what you're talking about? Keep that golden moment to yourself, there are some things that you, and only you will understand.
9) Instagram Games.
First there were myspace surveys, then there was the "inbox me with a question and i'll answer it honestly in my status" game on facebook, and now there's "numbers" games on instagram. Must everything be some kind of game? Can't we just use social media for it's intended purpose? Nothing irritates me more than being "tagged" to read someone's game that they've tagged me in on instagram. I just want to look at pictures, is that too much to ask? #firstworldproblems
I think it's safe to say that e-cards have officially switched gears from LMAO to STFU in the past six months or so and I'd even go as far as to say that we've seen all the e-cards that are going to actually make us laugh by now. One of the things that I used to like about instagram is that it was refuge from the social media mediums that all of the Basketball Wives and Jersey Shore crowds didn't know about. As we know all good things don't last forever and the same way that they overran twitter, and facebook before that, and myspace before that, the social zombies eventually broke through the baricades of instagram and flooded it same waves of ignorance that polluted every other social medium that was once great. If you've seen it on Facebook, don't post it on instagram, it's that easy.
There you have it folks, 10 basic rules on how not to be annoying on Instagram. I'm sure there are a few that I'm forgetting but I feel these few will help any new comer out in the Instagram world. No one's perfect, I know for a fact that I've broken a few of these myself and I probably unknowingly post things that annoy people just as they annoy me. But hey, if you don't like it.. Well you know the rest.