This past week

has been insane.

not the good kind either.

I've been trying to open up more to you guys through my writing... I feel like that's where people really connect with their readers, is when they hold absolutely nothing back. And as much as I wish I could spill my guts about eeeverything that's happened, I cant go into full detail because I cant ruin the reputation of those involved. Nor do I want to air out the dirty laundry of those closest to me.

Saturday night after work I packed my bags and left for Austin. I was SUPER excited about seeing my friends and a special new friend that I've made.

While I was driving, I dunno what it was that prompted me, call it God, call it just being in deep thought, something told me to call my little brother and check on him. I called, and he was telling me that he was just locking up at work and waiting for my mom to pick him up. We talked a little and I had a really good talk with him about his relationship with our dad and how they needed to patch things up and talk already because life is short and it'd be foolish to go on not speaking to eachother and something bad happen... After speaking to him I called my dad and had the same conversation. I felt like some real progress had been made.

I get to Austin, say my hellos and do some much needed catching up with all my UT compadres and I even got to see the special one that I spoke of. Great night.

Sunday afternoon, approximately 12:01PM

I get a phone call from a family member with some information that would normally scare the shit out of me or any normal human being that cares about someone in their family. Strangely. I was completely calm. I remember looking at the phone and thinking, "Am I dreaming?" After the phone call, I didn't know what to do so I just laid in bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. I briefly discussed it with a friend and even she seemed worried by the fact that I wasnt flustered by the situation. I felt like a zombie. Like someone could have taken a giant knife and shoved it through my chest and I wouldnt have felt a thing. I carried on throughout the rest of my weekend as if nothing ever happened and things were fine. On Monday I even received a phonecall from the party that was directly involved and I said my two cents, and kept it movin.

No emotion felt. None.

Tuesday I get back to College Station and I tell a close friend about what's going on and she tells me that its very possible that I'm going through shock and that it would probably hit me (which coincidentally is the EXACT same thing a friend from Austin told me as well). Fastforward to about 9:15PM, I'm in the kitchen at work, getting ready to close everything down, waiting on ooone last table. I do the same thing I usually do when I wait, which is hop up on the counter and rest my legs. As I'm sitting, I go to rest my head in my hands and all of a sudden it hits me. And it hits hard. I just feel all these emotions, all these thoughts, all these feelings, and then the tears start. I run to the bathroom and curl into a ball in the corner and for about 30 seconds I cried like a baby. And then, just like that, it was over. Tears gone, fully composed, and back to work. I didnt know how to feel. And I kinda still dont... I havent cried in God knows how long, and I must say it was a strange feeling. For the longest I've felt like crying was impossible for me. Or hell, just showing any emotion that remotely resembles being hurt... The past few days have been an emotional rollercoaster. Im definitely keeping a positive attitude, but every once in a while I get a flash of the things that are going on and my whole mood changes.

Thanks to everyone who has taken time out of their busy lives to pray or call or text and show their love and support. I love you all and I thank God for true friends like you.