It takes me so long to finally gain control of myself, my heart, that when I find someone else I really like, I'm extra apprehensive about getting serious. You never realize how much control someone can have over you, over your emotions, your appetite, your sleep schedule, your life, until you remove them from it and try to carry on as if they had never been there. It's at that point that you realize exactly how deep you were. How powerless you'd become.
It took me a very long time to regain control after my most recent blunder and I guess you could say I'm enjoying being able to function like my normal self again. Enjoying being able to see people hold hands without literally feeling my stomach crawl into my throat. Enjoying being able to look at old pictures and not feel mini waterfalls press against the dams in my eyelids. Enjoying being able to sleep without tossing and turning for hours on end, haunted by infinite "what if" scenarios.
This is still kind of new to me. Familiar, but new. Empowering even.
So forgive me if it's taking a while to give the keys to a new driver. The last coat has finally dried on my prized car and it took a long time to repair after the last wreck it was involved in. I guess you could say I'm scared.
Fuck it, I'll say it. I'm scared.