Happy Halloween.

Random Thought.

If you know me or follow my blog, you know that I’ve been dealing with a horrible breakup the past week. As hard I tried to stick to my usual (life, music, or fashion) it’s been pretty much impossible for me to touch a keyboard and not write about something that pertains to relationships. The relationship that I was in was great; there was never a real argument, the intimacy was great, and we had a lot in common. The one thing that I would say effected our relationship was the fact that she wasn’t emotionally honest. I feel like emotional honesty is worse than any type of topical lying.

First off, there’s no real evidence. If someone lies in the literal since, there’s almost always some type of evidence that you can find to confirm or dispute their claim. In the emotional realm, there is no real evidence, only intuition and body language. Now most people, myself included, would just say to always go with your intuition no matter what and you’ll never have anything to worry about. While this is true in most cases, I don’t feel like you truly trust someone unless you give their words priority over your intuition. The part that really got me was the fact that I saw the writing on the wall, and I still believed her words over my internal polygraph.
A relationship is like building a beautiful house with someone. Your emotions are no longer controlled solely by you. They are now at the mercy of someone else and though you may own a $2000 rug, you have to be able to trust that other person will respect you enough to take their muddy shoes off before walking on it. You have to be comfortable with knowing that the things that you own that are fragile could possibly be broken. You talk with this person about all the responsibilities and duties that come with owning this house, you know that you’ll have real bills now, and not paying those bills will leave you without the necessities that are needed to have a comfortable life. Of course, if those bills aren’t paid, you’ll eventually get evicted and you’re credit can potentially be damaged forever.
That being said, I felt like I came home one day and saw moving truck outside. I went inside, asked her if she was planning on moving and I was told no. So against my better judgment, and heaping pile of boxes all over the house, I believed what I was told. Over the next few days, I notice every time I come into the house, there are less things in the house. Even though it was becoming more and more apparent that things were being packed and moved elsewhere, I knew what I was told, and I didn’t want to feel like I was questioning her honesty, so I didn’t ask any questions. It wasn’t until one day I came home and the house was near completely empty, only my things remained. So I asked again, “Are you moving out?” Once again, the answer was no. Even though I was almost positive, I was being lied to, I allowed myself to believe the answer I was given, because that’s what you do when you trust someone. I left for work, and it was at that moment that I got a text saying that she packed the last box, she was moving, and that I was on my own to move all of my things before the house was closed for eviction. Now I’m left with all the emotional furniture to move by myself. No time to pack, no time to plan, just moving what I can little by little. Sure I have friends who help from time to time but it’s not their burden to carry, and I wouldn’t dare ask them to.
This is the type of thing that damages your psychological credit for a long time. Sure, you may buy a new house, you may buy a new car, but it makes it that much harder with the emotional debt that you’ve occurred in the past. I know that I’m not the only person who has had to deal with this, and a lot of people have been in even worse situations, but this makes me not want to rent, or even think about buying a house in the future.

I hate having to break the routines that you get in when you breakup with someone. I left work today and started to dial your number. Didn't even realize I was calling you, it was completely second nature. I hungup right before it started dialing. Then I realized I have no one to talk about little stupid shit with, or about how my day was. Pathetic.

Interesting.

"Experiments show that being dumped by a lover activates brain regions more usually associated with processing physical pain, such as the searing sensation of being burnt. In other words, a broken heart really does hurt. The finding could help explain why being given the heave-ho can be so painful for so long.

The intriguing idea comes from an American study of 40 men and women whose relationships had ended against their wishes. All said the experience left them deeply hurt.
Their brains were scanned as they looked at various pictures. They rated looking at the picture of an ex and being touched with a hot probe as more painful than thinking about a friend or being touched with a cooler probe.
More interestingly, they said that break-up thoughts hurt as much as the hot probe. Analysis of the scans revealed that the same brain regions lit up when processing the two types of pain, the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences reports.
'On the surface, spilling a hot cup of coffee on yourself and thinking about how rejected you feel when you look at the picture of a person that you recently experienced an unwanted break up with may seem to elicit very different types of pain. But this research shows that they may be even more similar than initially thought.'
Other research has shed light on why we often yearn to get back together with a lost love.
Brain scans of men and women pining for a past partner revealed that a broken heart triggers the same feeling in the brain as kicking a drug addiction. But there is hope for the lovelorn.
The study showed that the greater then number of days since the rejection, the less activity there was in the parts of the brain behind emotional attachment."

I've Posted This Before.

Young James Brown in this heaux.

it's funny how the movies, shows, songs, foods, places, clothes, jewelry, time of day, all of those things, that you once loved/looked forward to all become things that you hate/dread in a matter of a few days.

My Friends >

Shoutout to everyone who's been holding me down during this emo/menstrual period of my life. Y'all may not realize it but there have been times where I felt like complete shit (which happens to be quite often as of late) and it seems like right then I'll get a text or a notification of a comment on here that makes shit seem better. It's times like these that show you how beautiful people really are. Even though I've lost hope in women/love/anything with that possesses or closely resembles a vagina, I still have hope in people.

"You're an amazing man. If it's not worth it to her, it shouldn't be worth it to you."
- Natasha

"Don't be hurting all alone. Friends are friends for a reason."
- Kayla

"I love you and I am always here for you. You didn't seem like yourself  today. Praying everything is okay."
- Mom

"I got you, I'll slip you're name in the next time I pray."
- Zach

"Trent is awesome! Have a great day, I have a feeling that everything will work itself out."
- Erica

"Keep yo' pimp hand strong!"
- Chelsea

"Hey love, I just wanted to let you know I'm here for you."
- Brittany (that playlist is my shit by the way, I love you for that)

".. So basically what I'm saying is I will punch someone in the ovaries for you. Seriously though."
- Camila

"Hope you're feeling a little bit better today!"
- Stephanie

"I be wantin' to punch a hoe for that!"
- Alan

Those were excerpts from a few texts that I received. A special thanks to Symon, Ashley, Junior, and Erica, for taking time out of their day to hear me whine about the same shit I've been whining about for about a month now. I really appreciate you guys. Y'all are what keep my heart beating right now. Thank you to all the anonymous people that have been leaving their thoughts here as well. I've been thinking about the things all of you have said and I really appreciate you guys. I know shit like this doesn't heal overnight but knowing people care really helps along the way.

Never hated yellow Starbursts more than I did today.

I Remember Watching This Together.

2:18

I Was Just Thinking

I think the reason break-ups hurt so much is because you're letting a small piece of yourself starve to death.
Like, when you're single, you eat a little of everything and you're almost always full. Whether it's healthy or unhealthy you eat whatever you want, whenever you want. When you get into a relationship, you're only eating one thing all the time. Whether it's healthy or not, you now only have one source of nutrients. That's why when you miss that person when you're away from them. Because you're hungry. So naturally, when you break up, you're no longer getting that same nutrients that you were used to for so long. Sure, you could eat other things, but it's not the same nutrients. It's fast food. So rather than fill up on fast food, you have to let yourself starve to death.

Just a thought.

Shit like this always likes to happen at the most inconvenient of times. I have no date for the wedding I'm supposed to attend on Saturday and I don't want to take anyone that I don't care about. I always felt like weddings should be shared with someone you care about. Whether you're actually in the wedding, or just attending. I could just go wedding crashers style and scoop and score but I think I'll pass. I think I'm gonna go to Austin this weekend. Clear my head.

Crazy, my weekends are gonna be really weird now.

"Do you ever feel like you've found the one?"

"I see where I went wrong at, I just tried to bring out the Queen in You."

you're too fly to be depressed

Ha, thanks. I appreciate you. Whoever you are.

ask something

Another Fail by Aubrey.

Shaolin shirts should never be paired with rapist frames my dude.

Man.

I had some deep as conversations with some homies yesterday about women. It's crazy that the niggas that are the biggest players, the biggest woman haters, all stem from being hurt by women. I know that this is the general consensus about all players, I mean hell, that is what made me the way I am. But the dudes that I thought were 100% bulletproof, even those niggas were blindsided. Crazy how things work.
I don't understand how someone can tell you that they are making an exception for you, they are allowing you into an area that is usually roped off, all they ask you to do is not break anything, and you pull out a mallet and break everything. Not one single, solitary piece left undamaged. And I'm just supposed to be okay the next day? I literally want to die right now. Like, I kid you not, if there was a such thing as temporary death, I would order ten of them shits. I hope my attempt at bringing humor to tragedy is working. But honestly, I hate this.
Angels create Demons.

Morgan B. Swaggin'.

Hopefully our stars align this weekend.

Merlot and Me.

I know the last few posts have been super lame and mad depressing but I cant wait to be able to look back at them in a year and see how lame I was. I take breakups hard but man.. this one really got to me. I just want to hibernate for a year and wakeup and be fine. I really feel like that was the last straw. Like, zero fucks will be given about  women's feeling from now on. Why should I care? Like, I did everything I was supposed to do.  E V E R Y T H I N G. And now I'm sitting in my room with a bottle of Merlot listening to 1977 by the Dream. I do not do this shit. This shit is so lame. Calling into work and watching 500 Days of Summer is lame. Not having control of your emotions and where your mind wanders is lame. Pouting over girls is lame. I do not do this. I'm not built like that. I'm so used to always being logical and in control of everything. And in two days my shit is all over the place. I'm being a baby right now I know, but I have no other outlet. 

Never ask someone not to hurt you.

Because their "I won't", is almost alway an "I will."

Inception.

I still remember what you were wearing when I met you. One of your many UNT shirts, your pants that you always have rolled into capris, and of course, your trademark smile. You extended your hand to formally introduce yourself, but I felt like I already knew you (according to you we'd met once before). It's funny because I remember posting a Facebook status over a year ago saying that I can tell if I'm going to date a girl by looking at the shoes in her closet and the music on her iPod. As stupid as that is, I've always related everything in my life to music. Everything. And the people that I've been closest to in life are the people that have the same taste in music as I do. I remember looking at the music on your iPhone and seeing the Blueprint, Man on the Moon 2, and My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, three of my favorite albums. I playfully asked you to marry me. That was hella corny. But to be completely honest, that was when I knew you were going to be my girlfriend.
After an amazing weekend together and an even more amazing few months that followed, I knew that I'd fallen for you. Of course I wasn't going to tell you that, I still had an image to uphold. The more I talked to you the more intrigued.. the more intoxicated I became. I became less concerned about this image that I had. I became less concerned with other women. It went against all my rules but I didn't care anymore. I cut all my loose ends with hopes of growing a strong, new relationship. This was a new type of excitement for me. I was drifting deeper.
Thursday was your birthday. I was just thinking about how I used to distance myself from women about a month before birthdays or any holiday that really required us to be a "couple". It's been a long time since I've had a girlfriend, let alone planned a birthday for a girl. I found myself doing all the things that I used to make fun of guys for doing. Making a birthday cake, ordering flowers, all of that. Making actual "reservations" not just walking into a restaurant. I couldn't believe this was me now. I was there. I was at the last stage.
I remember when things changed. I had a knot in my stomach from the moment I wokeup. It wasn't an upset stomach, more of the nauseous, throbbing feeling that happens periodically. I knew what that feeling meant, but I thought maybe I was trippin', so I ignored it. But it became more frequent, more intense. Until that morning, the kick finally came. I finally hit the ground. I wish I could say it didn't hurt. Just act like nothing ever happened. I mean, that's what I always do. But I can't lie anymore. You don't grow by lying.

It's funny that we never reach out to God until things aren't going right, and we don't know what to do.

"can't say we didn't try though." 

Yes I Can.

so much to write. so much to update you on.

tomorrow.

It's Been Real.

Bye Facebook. I need some time to myself. This make take a while.

It's Amazing to Me

Just how delicate one's peace of mind truely is. The very things that we take for granted and assume that they'll be there for a while, if not eternity, can be gone in an istant. All it takes is a chemical imbalance, a rise in blood pressure, a change of mind. Gone.
Take pictures, write your feelings, capture moments.

12:28am

Sometimes I feel like my words fall on deaf ears. Maybe it's my fault for not being 100% clear in
e x a c t l y what I am saying but I just feel like saying things makes people "act" a certain way only because you've asked them to do something or pointed something out to them. Maybe I'm just now realizing the way things are, and this is how they've always been. I don't know. No one likes the feeling of not being needed.
Or wanted.

This Right Here.

Dan, This is All You Bro.

12:39am

I'm sitting in my kitchen right now. Waiting for this damn cake to finish baking. I've been thinking the past few days about how blessed I really am. I have an amazing family. It's not perfect, but I can honestly say that I love each and every member of my family. We all make an effort to be a part of each other's lives. Each day that I have a conversation with one of my parents, be it my mom, my dad, or my stepmom, I grow a new layer of love and respect for them. My little sister is blooming into her own little person. She has so much personality, and her sarcasm amazes me. I talked to my Uncle the other day. Man am I thankful for him. That's my Ace, my dawg. My nigga. I haven't seen him in over a month and I can still talk to him about anything under the sun. I haven't seen my older brother in a while, but I think about him all the time. Him and my nephews and nieces. Those kids show me how old I'm really getting. Trevor's evolved from "little brother" status to "brother". You know how when they reach a certain age they're supposed to drop the "little" prefix. I'll call him my little brother till I die though, lol.
And my girlfriend. It amazes me how someone can be so much like me, but so different at the same time. It's been a long time since I've had feelings this strong for someone. I just don't ever want to take that for granted. That feeling. It sucks that things are going to change soon, but I feel like everything will be okay. I'm just thankful to have someone that I can share everything with. Someone who gets me and knows me without me having to even say anything. It's a bonus that she's beautiful. Not just hot, but beautiful. Makeup or no makeup, heels or chucks I always find myself gazing like an idiot. I know I'm babbling but I just had to get all of this out. Baking always gives me time to think about things in depth.
I'll shut up now.

i need a parachute.

This.

I swear to based god Siera is black. What white person has swag like that? The jacket. The pose. 

Like, "Yeah, Imma take yo bitch." Trill.

Sometimes

I get this feeling in my gut. Like I know something is about to happen in life.. Usually something bad. A premonition I guess. I always see it coming but I can never prevent it. I had one today. Life.

Ha.

This Cypher Seems Like it Was Forever Ago.

But yeah, pretty much Eminem > any rapper to ever "freestyle".

Finished.

Oh Aubrey.

Dear Aubrey,
 I am often accused of being a "hater" when it comes to a lot of things you do. From your horrible choice of attire, to the way all of your songs now sound the same, to your estrogen infused words when conducting interviews. Let's get one thing straight Aubster, I AM NOT A HATER. I actually want to see you succeed! You used to be one of my favorite rappers! I loved Room for Improvement and Comeback Season, and once you dropped So Far Gone, I was convinced that rap had indeed found it's next crown holder for the next 10-15 years. The quality of music on So Far Gone was, and for the most part, still is unparalleled. Not only did you have the voice to deliver melodies with the likes of Trey Songs, but also the ability to go toe to toe with Lil Wayne, one of the greatest mixtape rappers the world has ever known. And if that wasn't enough, songs like A Little Bit and Let's Call it Off proved that you also had a special knack for blending genres.  So much potential, so much diversity, no wonder everyone from Kanye to Jay-Z was lining up to work with you. You were a prodigy.
 Then you signed to Young Money. And you know what? I couldn't even really be mad at that. I understand you wanted to stay loyal to the dude who got you the recognition you deserved. But the same way that you brought out the best in Wayne on songs like Ignorant Shit; Wayne in turn brought out the worst in you on songs like I'm Good. There were probably 3.5 good songs on Thank Me Later, the rest was Lil Wayne Lite commercial bullshit. And if Headlines is any indicator as to what Take Care has to offer, I think I'll hop the boat and take my chances with what else rap has to offer.
 With all that aside, what brings us here today isn't the music. It's these feminine ass, Tampax Pearl commercials that you keep doing, otherwise known as interviews. Dawg, you have got to chill with that shit. I understand you wanna be the "ladies rapper" and all that but L(adies)L(ove) Cool J wasn't even this soft.

If you think I'm being too hard on Aubrey, read his most recent interview HERE.

1) Dawg, shut the fuck up about Rihanna already. it's been almost two years since Thank Me Later dropped and you're still boo-hoo'ing about Rihanna like you actually had a chance. Ever since Chris Brown, everyone knows that she's been playing musical chairs with the penises of every man in Hollywood. Let it go Aubrey, let it go.

2) "The 15 or 20 seconds after a man reaches his climax is the realest moment he'll ever have in his life. And if you happen to be with somebody that isn't someone you want to converse with, you start to feeling like, I wish I was just here watching True Blood by Myself."
I see what you were trying to say here, but there are a few things realer than the 15-20 seconds after having sex with a woman. Just off the top of my head, ummm what about having a baby? You could've said you wish you were writing a song, watching the game, shit Aubrey, you could've said doodling "I Love Wayne" in your diary, but you said watching True Blood? Bye nigga. I'm done. Don't ever expect me to ever even halfway take you serious the next time you talk about "catchin' bodies like that" Young Playtex.

3) You aren't marrying Nicki Minaj. That shit was cute for like two minutes but get off her dick already.

This wasn't a part of the same interview but incase you think I'm just being too hard on Aubrey, peep the video below.

I rest my case.

The reason I'm so hard on Drake is because I know that at the end of the day, there is actual talent and possibly an ounce or two of testosterone buried deep below the surface of all the Loreal and the salmon colored sweaters. It drives me crazy that an artist that I once held in a high regard has fallen to the levels of commercial menstruation music that Aubrey has. For me, this next album is the final hail mary. If this ends up being the Thank Me Later part two that I think it'll be, there's no more hope. It will be proof that Aubster's vagina has indeed grown teeth and devoured his penis. Let's hope for the best.
Take Care.

L the Fuck OL

Nasty Nas.

Nasty Nas is back. I don't know if y'all know or not but Nasty Nas is like Nas squared. Like, Nas is Goku and Nasty Nas is Super Saiyan Goku. Nas is like Mew and Nasty Nas is like Mewtwo. Nas is like the black Michael Jackson and Nasty Nas is like Chlorox Michael. I'm really looking forward to this album.
Sidebar: I swear this nigga doesn't age. Like.. He has looked the same for 15 years.

1:21 Mark >

Rajacenna.

These are were all drawn with a No. 2 pencil by an 18 year old girl who taught herself how to draw.

Kill yourself.

My sister swaggin' on TV and shit.

Sofa King Excited About This Right Here.

Pattymelt. BBQ Chickenstrip Sandwich. BBQ Cheddar Burger. A-1 Thick & Hearty Burger.

All four of them shits back tomorrow at 3PM. At the same time.

Kendrick Lamar.

I've heard a few songs by Kendrick Lamar over the years and while I have heard him spit a few nice bar every once in a while, I was never really fully sold on dude. I downloaded the mixtape O.D. and I liked a few songs on it, but I still wasn't a real believer yet. Fast forward to July 2, 2011 Section.80 finally drops. My slow ass just started listening to this album about a month ago and I wish I could get into a time machine and go back to July 2nd and kick myself in the face. Dude's amazing. I love that he has an actual message in his music as well as amazing wordplay. And his production has finally caught up to his lyricism. He's like the Compton Lupe. If you haven't copped Section.80 do yourself a favor and scoop a copy asap.

Stole My Idea.

Mine was with go-karts though.

So Much Swag.

Peep Dan's outfit though.

Even Preggo, Beyonce Could Still Get It.

                  I can't front, this video and this song are both dope. Warhol meets Hepburn.

Dawg.

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.

 You are already naked. 

There is no reason not to follow your heart. 

Stay hungry. Stay foolish." 

RIP to one of the greatest innovators the world has ever known.

In a Nutshell.

easily the best phone on the face of the planet right now.

Baby Mama.

#TRILL.

i've lost my mojo.

Jude Carson aka

Cutest motherfucker alive.

If you know me, you know that I have an obsession with cute babies. I'm in no rush to have a baby of my own, but I absolutely love cute babies. Everything about them. I could honestly play with babies for hours on end for an entire day and I wouldn't mind at all. I assure you, I am not a pedophile, I've just always been amazed by babies.

Anyway, my long lost friend Sara finally had Jude on August 19th, 2011. Usually I'm not that big of a fan of newborns. I feel like most newborns look like the default create a player face on Madden in the sense that they usually don't have any real features or expression yet. Little Jude is one of the few exceptions. I mean, let's face it, there just aren't many babies that are swaggin' fresh out the womb. It's extremely very rare to have Fresh Out of The Womb Swag. Babies that possess FOTWS are like real life holographic Pokemon cards. Like a Charizard or a Mewtwo or some shit. They are that rare.

Here are a few pics of the current crownholder of Cutest Newborn Alive.